It's that time of year again, when thousands of people who know nothing about talent cast their votes for a dozen wanna bes of varying ability to end up with a nine-month pop star. Yay for Australian Idol, the glorified TV karaoke contest that seems to attract worse and more embarrassing "contestants" every year. This show is actually a guilty pleasure of mine and I've watched every series so far. I'm not as tragic as the people who actually visit the official website and make forum posts about Dicko's shirts, but for some reason I quite enjoy it. Most of the criticism stems from those who believe the show doesn't represent reality, but if you ask me it's a perfect microcosm of the music industry: a bunch of good-looking people with a modicum of talent being presented by image-makers to a gullible public to find a superstar. If that doesn't sound like the real world, somebody better find me a better explanation for how Britney Spears can go from redneck cheerleader who could barely sing to massive entertainment figure.
This year it was decided there needed to be some tweaking done, so the first thing they did was get rid of that annoying prat Mark Holden which can only be a good thing. There's probably plenty who'd like to see Kyle Lardarse go too but while I normally can't stand the guy, on this show he's on the money about 85% of the time, and that's about 84.5% more often than usual. If there's a judge who should go it's Marcia Hines, TV's perennial winner of the World's Most Ineffectual Talent Show Judge and whose vocabulary of criticism extends to "Well done", "Watch your pitch" and "You go, girlfriend" like she hasn't been living in Australia for the last 35 years. If they were serious about having a female panelist capable of offering more constructive remarks, perhaps they need someone who isn't afraid of losing her fanbase by being a bit tough. Like Deborah Conway. She'd not only rip the bad ones a new arsehole but she and Lardarse would be blueing like no one's business. TV gold that would be. The producers have brought in Ricki-Lee Coulter as third host this year for some reason, although it was probably pnly to give the older males who wouldn't normally watch the thing some eye candy as she doesn't really do anything.
To the contestants themselves, and this year there's a mix of the usual borderline talents with those who really could have something, including a pint-sized Sri Lankan woman, an over-confident Vietnamese singing teacher, a shearer with a head like a robber's dog, a Maori single mum, an easy-on-the-eye blond, three schoolkids and a trio of blokes who style themselves after rock gods. Ironically, the bottle-blond Rock Chick who seemed to be in every scene of the promo leading up to the show didn't even make the Top 12, which could be because she really wasn't good enough or because everyone was already sick of the sight of her by the time the show even started. One Gwen Stefani in the world is enough anyway.
Tonight was the first finals night, the "pointy-end" where the Top 12 strut their stuff and get progressively booted off. The theme was Idol's Idols, where each singer chose a song by their favourite artist. Without any further waffling on, this is how it went down:
Harry Nilsson was first, although he doesn't look quite so much like Nilsson now because he's shaved his beard off. Still has the hat though. He came out and sang U2, plopping himself behind a piano for effect but he's good enough not to need to pull stunts like this just yet. Odds on to win at the moment apparently, but that means nothing on this show.
Teale came out next. I haven't thought of a nickname for him because I've paid zero attention to him until now. He did Rick Price's version of "Walk Away Renee", which is strange because he looks like a guy who tries to sing Barnesy songs at parties after a few beers. Hit a high note at the end that sounded odd.
It was somewhat appropriate for The Kid to try the love theme from a disaster film, because he was a train wreck. 16-year old virgins who've never had a girlfriend trying to do huge epic love ballads is like Adam Sandler trying Shakespeare: unconvincing and utterly inappropriate. He's thoroughly marketably though, which is the whole point but he won't make the distance because his fans will do a Ricki-Lee on him.
The Shearer is awesome. He's like Andrew Strong crossed with Joe Cocker crossed with the knockabout Ocker bloke who's always down the pub singing old blues songs on karaoke night. He won't win because his head's too rough.
The Blonde Bombshell is apparently actually a redhead. She has that breathy "Happy birthday Mr President" technique that I find really irritating. Dicko suggested it's because of her Marie Osmond teeth, but I can't help but feel she's bunging in on in an attempt to be sexy. Whatever, it shits me. She won't win because she too good looking but her range is too narrow anyway.
Lardarse came up with Sexual Chocolate for the tiny Sri Lankan chick, which is good enough for me as I'll probably stop caring about her after she's out of the competition. Nevertheless, she is a bit of a powerhouse and I'm glad the judges put her through because she's one of the better ones, even with the stumble in the semi-finals. She won't win though, because she's just too ethnic-looking.
Johnny Darko sang Pearl Jam's "Better Man" like some dude getting up to do karaoke for the first time. This guy's about as likely to be an Australian Idol as I am to win the Pulitzer Prize or write a decent analogy. Dicko mentioned that he's good mates with Eddie Vedder and belts out PJ songs in his car. Perhaps he should have had a go instead. It would have sounded horrible but been good for a laugh.
Sparkle Eyes decided to sex things up a bit and went uptempo but fell flat. Her singing career is stillborn, but a spot on Neighbours beckons.
The Big Girl was so good she managed to get Lardarse out of his chair to emulate Holden and give her a "touchdown". She knocked 'em dead, but so far I've only heard her do Aretha Franklin songs which might be a liability when she has to show she can do something else later on.
The Vietnamese John Farnham blew it and then had the temerity to try and explain why he sucked. Minor success in a boy band has given him an overconfidence that will ensure he'll trip up again and again. Unlikely to win anyway, for the same reason as Prashani.
Madam doesn't need a nickname because her real name already sounds like one. She's great. IMHO, it's between her and...
Rock Guy. If there's anything stopping this dude from taking the crown it's either people will think he's too old or that he's already had his shot with the band he was in. He's too good for this show actually, and really shows up how underdone some of the others (The Kid and Sparkle Eyes in particular) are.My best 3: Rock Guy, Madam, The Big Girl
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